All Scottish Teachers

Primary humour/clangers

** 3 young Glasgow Primary pupils with a reputation as being likeable rogues decided that they needed to improve their street cred. After much debate they decided that they needed to have cool nicknames:

Ryan became Rydo

Alan became Aldo

Dylan became ................

Poor wee soul had no idea!!

** During one interval a teacher passed a P2 pupil who was in the bucket of toys obviously searching deep for something. When asked, he said:
"am lookin fir a bat."
On finding him a bat the teacher then presumed he would need a ball.
But as he was handed a ball the pupil said:
"A don't need it, am gonna be Batman!".

** P7 class were doing a Science assessment. The children were staring in
puzzlement at the body outline with the picture of the lungs to be
To the young teacher's eternal shame, she stood before the class and thumping herself on the chest, shouted out:

"What do you call these things here?"

Obviously, "lungs" was not the answer most wrote down.

** A P6 class was asked by the teacher if they could stand out in front,tell
a story, do a joke or sing a song.

Wee Jimmy walks out to the front of class and says:

"Three craws oan a dyke. Whit wan's the doactor?

"Don't know", says the teacher.

"The Surgeon !!!!!!!!"

** At Parents' Night the teacher told Mrs Smith that she was quite concerned about something her little 9 year old daughter had written in her class diary. The mother proceeded to read the entry and couldn't believe her eyes when she read:

"Last night my daddy was looking after us and he put us to bed and read us a story and then he pissed on the cat."

The mother assured the teacher that she would get to the bottom of it. She went home and asked her daughter why she had written what she did.

The child was wide-eyed and indignant and answered :

"But mummy, it's true. Daddy read us a story and when he was going downstairs he saw that the cat was under the bed and he went pssst,pssst, pssst to get him out."

** It was agreed by his former high school headmaster that a student teacher could come in and observe a P7 induction day, as experience.

Safety was being discussed in Technical. A picture of a wheel barrow
with a wheel too near the centre (length wise) is shown. They are asked
the design fault.
A girl says: "the handle is too low, you'll hurt your back pushin it."

The teacher replies: "yes! but it won't be low when you lift it up"
[confusion and my laughter]

"yeh but the sh*t will spill out coz it's like angled" the girl argues.

The teacher says: "yeh but you have to lift it up off the propstand to
move it"

Back comes the P7 girl:
"Oh my god you just don't get it do you, you just said a minute ago the wheel's in the middle, so if you lift it up it will fall over, so why would you lift it up at all if it would fall over?"

" ha, so the handle doesnt even need to be there!" said the student, laughing as does with the girl beaming at him.

"youre not helping" says the class teacher. "See you in August, nice
summer ecetera" he adds.

The girl exits the class grinning at the student saying: "Good one Tall guy! What year you in? "

Flattered he said: "I've left school"

"Can you not shave and come back?" she says smiling.

** 1947 Glasgow: 9 year old Annie couldnae wait to get to school on Monday to tell the teacher about the new baby brother the nurse had brought to her mammy on the Saturday.

She shyly whispered her news to the teacher who said: "'oh, that's lovely -tell the class your news".
Annie faced the class and said: "'ah've got a wee brother."

A girl's voice piped up from back row:

"huh, that's nuthin! Ah've gote five ae the bastards!!"

** "A Rose for Emily" was being read by a P7 class. There was great
discussion about Emily's funeral and how her strange behaviour had
been discovered after her death...

One pupil was asked: "So why do you think no-one investigated while
Emily was alive?"

The girl looked at the teacher with a look of great surprise and said: "AWW!! Did Emily die? How did that happen?"

She was asked where she had been when we discussed the funeral and, still looking puzzled, she said:

"Yeah, I heard about her funeral, I just didn't realise she'd died before it!!"

** A student was asked to check the marking of the class teacher for
her group of pupils for a test, whilst the teacher cross-marked the student's group's answers. A dictionary was allowed in the test.

The teacher ticks or crosses as appropriate with exception of one answer from a male pupil...

Question: Construct a sentence containing 'vivacious'

Pupil Answer: "Karen's (classmate) school uniform is very vivacious!"

Teacher comment: "OK...!"

The teacher decided to make her view on this pupil's opinion clear in

** Answer from a P7 worded problem solving question made up for a sheet
(multiplying decimals) - this was the only worded question.

Question: "One Euro is worth 0.70 , how much are 3 Euros worth?"

Answer: "Random!"

-Shows how they think they are entitled to comment their Teacher's
choice of question as part of their answer.

** A student teacher was being quizzed by a P6 science class about his Physics qualification. He jokingly said: "Yeah it's all very hard!! Nuclear fission and all sorts!!"
The predictible cry of "FISHING?!? - as in" came from one boy and the student teacher said: "not FISHING- F.I.S.S.I.O.N!!"

His pal turned to him and said :"Don't be so stupid, everyone knows you spell fishin with a Ph !"

** A teacher was telling a Primary 5 class that they would not be penalised
for spelling mistakes in a test. He was asked what penalise meant... all okay until another pupil (obviously not listening!)followed this up by asking :

"What does penalise mean anyway?
Is that not like a kinda - pure s*x abuse?"

It took him a while to realise the phonetic similarity to male anatomy.

** A Primary 4 class were discussing the uses of water. A few pupils suggested: "drinking, ice skating, washing".
Then one boy put up his hand and announced without the slightest hesitation:
"Storing behind dams and then using to generate electricity in a Hydro-Electric power station"

The teacher stood, shocked and glanced over at the Assistant in the corner suppressing a giggle and said:
"Wow!, thats a great suggestion. Write that down!!"

The same pupil says:"Ok, do you spell that?"

The teacher spells out: "H...Y...D...R" but the pupil says:

"No no! How do you spell dam, is there an N at the end?"

** Teacher: What does a paediatrician study?
P6 girl: Penises!

* Everytime a teacher spoke in class a young girl repeated everything she said.
One day when she was chatting to a colleague about what she had done the night before, she was unware that the child in question could hear the conversation.

So she was not amused when the child walked around for a
week saying, " I couldn't believe how big it was!"

* There was once a primary one class with a little boy who had real difficulty learning the names of shapes and in particular 'triangles'. He was asked one day to name the shape on his page,to which he replied:
"can't remember"
The teacher then had a discussion with him about the properties of the shape in the hope that he would remember. She then repeated the question in a different way by asking him:

"'what do you think it would be called?",

He replied "John"

* After reading a story to the children in a primary one class the teacher asked them if anyone could tell her the name of the person who writes books.
One little girl put up her hand and said "author".

"'well done" the teacher replied & then asked "does anyone know the name of the person who draws the pictures?"

Quick as a flash one little boy put up his hand very excitedly and said "author's pal!"

The funny thing is the only one who laughed was the teacher because the children thought it was true.

* A P1 class were given a new sound - "J". So they were all happily suggesting words like "jam, jelly & jug". All was going welll until my own daughter suggested "Gin"!

Oh well, bang goes the reputation!

(Robert Morrison)

* A young teacher had a P4 class and earlier in the term had told the class she wasn't there to be liked, she was there to teach them.

However she received a Christmas card from a pupil which said:

"To Mrs Jones, I like you even if no one else does!"

* Same school in Glasgow:
A P2 pupil had just had a little sister and his mum was from
Stornoway so he asked his teacher if she got the Stornoway Gazette as
there was a picture of his mum and little sister in it that week.

* Another PR 2 pupil when give some subtraction sums to do, asked his
"Miss, are these distraction sums?"

* In the late 50's a teacher was trying unsuccessfully to teach a boy to read. She had a large form of the reading page and was pointing to the sentence which read 'Sing, sing ,sing'
The boy said nothing and the teacher repeated 'Sing sing sing.' The boy still said nothing.
At this the teacher bent down and said right to the boy's face: "Sing sing
At this the boy in a trembling voice started singing: "A Gordon for me, a Gordon for me, if you're no a Gordon, yer nae use tae me."
( a popular song at the time.)

* A primary teacher was trying to do lesson on health with her young
class. Attempting to put across the idea of washing first thing in the
morning she asked the class:

"What is the first thing your daddy does in the morning?, hoping for the correct response.

Unfortunately she received the reply - "Pees in the sink!"

* Another primary teacher was teaching the class plurals. She was
teaching the addition of "ies " to replace "y".

At this point she pointed to the word on the board and said, before thinking:

"for example look at the board. Can anyone tell me how to make babies?"

* A young girl was working as a classroom assistant in a primary school.
While working with a child, she enquired what the child had done at the
weekend to which she replied "It was my mum's birthday"

The assistant, who was 21 years old, replied "It was my mum's birthday too". The child enquired how old the assistant's mum had been, to which she replied "40"

The child stared for a moment puzzled then said:

"are you older than your mum?"

* Two definitions from a Primary 6 class:

mummy - a body raped in bandages

batchelor - an unmarred man

* The primary 2 teacher was about to read a story entitled 'The Speckled
Hen' and enquired if anyone knew what 'speckled' meant.
Various answers were given until one little boy got very animated and jumped up and down.

'I know, miss!' he said. 'It's got glasses!"

* On the first day of the Healthy Eating Campaign, a young girl said that she'd really enjoyed the Pedigree. Funnily enough the others had enjoyed the kedgeree!

* A P3 class were learning about Dinosaurs & the RE topic "Festivals of Light". The teacher asked the class if they'd heard of "Divali" to which one wee soul replied " yes!! Divali of the dinosaurs!"

* A P1 pupil was sent to get the class dinner tickets from the office as per usual. He returned without the tickets & when asked why, replied "The bastards huvnae sent them"
The teacher discovered that he had been told that Bath Street hadn't sent them!

* Teaching Primary One:

S - You know the school fete Miss

Me - Yes

S - My dad is doing a stall.

Me - Oh that's nice, which one?

S - He's doing the Lucky Dick.

* A P1 pupil returned to school after a 3 day absence. The parent explained that he'd had an infection in his private parts - could the teacher please keep an eye on it?

* School trip to pantomime. Children from a primary school in one of the big schemes were having an argument on the bus as to whether there was a river in Glasgow.
"Miss, she says there is a river in Glasgow called the Clyde!" "will you tell her there isn't!" a boy shouts at me.
"There is, isn't there miss?" the girl asks
"Well where is it?"
"Don't know." she replies

"Down there!" I replied as the bus drove over the Kingston Bridge.

Poor children had never been out of their area before.

* A P4 child was working on a proper noun exercise where he had to make all the proper nouns have capital letters.
At the end of the exercise there were a number of sentences where the pupil had to insert his own proper noun.
One of the sentences was " A funny name for a cat is _____". The child filled the gap with a proper noun.

The teacher could not believe her eyes when she read "A funny name for a cat is Wanker". She did agree that this was a funny name but thought she'd better investigate.

So she called the child out and asked if that's what he meant to write. Noticing the teacher's face he shook his head but he didn't really know what was wrong with his answer and looked puzzled. The teacher asked what he meant to write and the child answered, " A funny name for a cat is Wonka"

* After playtime there was a lot of hilarity in the P4 class. The teacher asked what was going on to be told "X is sitting on his pants". The teacher thinking she heard wrong asked again.
It was explained that whilst out in the playground the plaground assistant had noticed something round the ankles of X. She asked X what it was, only to find out it was his pants from the day before.
Before going to bed he had stripped trousers and pants in a oner. The next day he put on fresh pants and the same trousers not realising the day befores pants were still inside.
Luckily X wasn't embarrassed and could share the laugh with the whole class!

* P4 were having a spelling test. The first word was 'one'. The teacher always put the word in context and said, "We all know that what one add one is, the word is one.
The teacher carried on whilst walking round the class.

She stopped at one child who had terrible handwriting and said, "What does that say". The child replied, "two". He had written the figure 2. The teacher said to him it was a spelling test and the child replied,"but one add one is 2".



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