All Scottish Teachers

Teacher Howlers

** A student teacher was taking a second year History class. During a question and answer session he asked the class to name some 20th Century dictators.

Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin were duly dragged out by the class - then a young girl down the front said: "please Sir, Paul Pot"

"Ach no," said the Student teacher,"he wisnae a dictator, he won Britain's Got Talent!!!!!!!!!!!!

** The male exchange teacher from Canada caused quite a stir in the staffroom when he came came out with the following line:

"I've noticed that none of the girls wear pants!"

** A class of nine year olds used to sit wide eyed as their teacher said:

"Now children, put your eyes on the board and I'll run through it

Some are still waiting!!

** It was one of the first lessons taken by a student on his first placement under supervision of the teacher.
He was slowly backing down the aisle between desks talking with the class, but didn't realise that the teacher's desk was sticking out slightly at the end of the aisle.
The desktop caught him in the back of one thigh and nerves etc amplified the imbalance resulting in his pitching over the desk in a heap onto the floor.
The class erupted as they would. To compound matters in his haste to get up, he reached for the desk and attempted to pull himself up. However, he had grabbed hold of a pile of books and papers which gave way and sent him flying again!

Red-faced and extremely embarrassed all he could do was laugh (or cry). After 5 minutes of a good laugh the class (and staff) all managed to settle down enough to complete the lesson without further acrobatics or hilarity.

** A young female teacher was taking an S3 Drama class and was 'casting' a short play.
In the play, the three cowboys were called Tom, Dick and Harry.

She went through the usual routine. " Who wants to be Tom?" " Me Miss!"

"Who wants to be Dick?" No reply.

She then said ( to her eternal shame):

"Come on third year, help me out here. I need a dick"


** During a crit the assessor was sitting up the back of the class as they do. In the middle of the class some kids who were generally quite nice started laughing away uncontrollably.
The student teacher couldn't get them to be quiet. After the lesson when they were discussing it, he said to the tutor:
"not sure what was up with them as they are usually much better behaved".

The tutor replied that it was her fault as she had farted up the back of the class!

He was still marked down for the disruption though!!

** It was absolutely p***ing it down one January night, and a teacher was getting ready to go home.

She called in to the office, checking her pigeon hole as you do and
chatting away to the ladies.

Noticing the rain outside she proclaimed:

"JeeSoo .. Looks like we're in for a wet ride tonight ladies!"

To which the office manager replied:

"Aye well , yer better that than a dry ride!"

Cue the hilarity!

** A young female AHT had been off three days with a throat infection, but soldiered back into work. By 3.15pm, she was red raw in the throat department with all the shouting she did, and walked into the staff room.

All the staff were there for a staff meeting by 3.20pm.

She sat down and said:

"Ooo have any of you got anything hard I can suck on?"

To which the Janny replied:

"Nae bother Miss B., I thought ye'd never ask!"

** About 20-30 yrs ago Glasgow teachers went to Pay Day discos in town on the last Thursday of the month - highlight of the social calendar!

A newly arrived French assistante, still grappling with the Glasgow accent & patter, was clearly shocked when asked by a colleague one day if she was going to the Pay Day disco that week.

A Modern Languages colleague had quickly to explain to her that the Pay Day referred to wasn't the same as the French "pédé" (gay/homosexual)!

** A young teacher was walking home after a trying day at work. One of the bags she was carrying suddenly split open & her stuff fell out onto the pavement. She hastily gathered her possessions up, put them into another bag & dumped the burst bag into the nearest bin.
Some time later, as she was nearing her flat, she decided to phone one of her pals. But her mobile wasn't in her bag - yes, she'd chucked it in the bin along with the burst bag!
She retraced her steps back down Great Western Road (Glasgow), but wasn't sure which bin to look in.
So she started to search as discretely as possible in some of the bins she passed. She was in the midst of doing this when she heard:
"Hi Miss, what are you doing?" There stood one of her senior pupils & his pals.
She explained her predicament & the resourceful young man asked her for her phone number. He dialled it on his mobile & they all walked up the road, stopping at each bin to listen for her ringing mobile!
A few bins later - success!
A couple of weeks later she had acquired one of the latest tiny phones & proudly showed it to her senior class.
There came a groan from the back of the class, followed by:

"Oh God, we'll never find that!"

* A PT History and a PT Mod Studies in a well-known Southside Secondary had a habit of prattling on in pigeon Gaelic, much to the annoyance of a lot of the staff because they didn't understand them. Nearing the end of the 1970s, the 2 PTs are sitting in the newly acquired communal staff room (the young ones didn't want the Ladies and Gents staffroom idea any longer, as you couldn't eye up the talent), when in walks a new face.

After a courteous smile and nod towards the two lads, she makes for the urn and begins making herself her morning interval cuppa. The 2 PTs look at each other and they both stare at the new "figure" in the room.

In his best Gaelic, one PT says "Nice arse" (loosely translated) to which his pal agrees. In a beautiful Island lilt the girl replies:

"Thanks very much for the compliment boys. I'm Rhoda McLeod, the new Gaelic student. I start my teaching practice today. And you are....?"

Rhoda loves telling that story, much to their eternal embarrassment.

Rhoda of course, as some may know, went on to greater things on the telly, with programmes such as Dotaman and a teach yourself Gaelic programme.

* Oops!
A female teacher in a High School was in a class full of boys on
the last day of term. The boys were having fun, throwing floppy discs
around and generally enjoying their last day. The teacher grew
impatient and finally said, in a loud and commanding voice:

"Stop playing with your floppy dicks!"

* It was the morning when Primary 6 children were being vaccinated. On
return to class they kept rolling up their sleeves and talking about
their own experience - pain levels etc until the female teacher could
handle the chat no longer and roared:

" Would you please stop comparing your pricks and get on with your work!"

* A PE student on Teaching Practice - first football lesson.
The class were called round for explanation of practice.
The student looked at a couple of the boys and remarked: "Don't sit on your balls boys. It makes them soft"

A lesson all PE teachers learn very quickly

* Teacher on a trip to France as part of an official party. Having lunch one day at a local businessman’s house & started to talk about skiing. Unfortunately the teacher got confused & used “chier”(to s**t) instead of "skier". There then followed:

a) j’ai chié en Autriche, mais je n’ai jamais chié en France.

b) je n’aime pas chier tout seul, je préfère chier en groupe

Colleagues attempted to quietly warn the teacher of the problem, however nothing could stop the flow !

* A French assistant called Fany (common name) was persuaded by her M/L colleagues to change her name to Marie for the year to avoid any problems. She said that she'd like to earn extra money by giving private tuition. The idea of an advert proclaiming "French lessons available, phone & ask for Fany" had to be vetoed.

* Three S3 girls came to the Christmas dance well refreshed. They decided to take the entertainment outside the hall and skipped along the corridors chanting, “We want sex! We want sex!”
This was too much for the redoubtable spinster female adviser who corralled them, took them to her office and, Christmas or not, got her tawse out. Once punishment had been administered, her parting advice was:
“Now you can suffer in silence like the rest of us”.

* A concerned teacher asked a Guidance teacher to come to class one day as one of his charges was sobbing her heart out in class. The Guidie arrived & the teacher explained the situation to him, emphasising how upset the girl was. He opened the classroom door & said " Right, greeting face, come here!

* A normally very quiet and well mannered P.1 pupil asked the classroom assistant this question. "Is motherf***er a bad word?"
Answer. "Yes Oedipus."



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