All Scottish Teachers

Pupil/student funnies

*** USA:
One day a teacher had a conference brochure lying on his desk. The name of the conference was “Dealing with Difficult Parents”.
The purpose of the conference was to help teachers develop strategies to deal with difficult parents.
One of the fifth graders picked the brochure up off his desk, read the title and said:
“Wow that would be a great conference for me, can you sign me up?”

** Spain:
It's amazing how many adult beginners confuse words, for example
chicken, children and kitchen.

One evening in class, Juan was asked to tell what he had eaten for
dinner the night before. He replied that he had eaten his favourite:

"fried children with chips."

It's sometimes very confusing for Spanish people learning English when
they live in an area where there are a lot of British bars which proudly
announce, in bold letters, the likes of:

Tom & Jean wellcome you to there bar.

- lemonaid shandy's.
- Stake cooked in it's own juices.
- Fried egg's and bacon.

and on Halloween night - "Pumking soup"

* USA:

During an advanced math class in sixth grade, pupils were learning about the degrees of a circle.
Suddenly a wee girl raised her hand and asked the teacher:

"Is it Celsius or Farenheit?"

* Middle East:

The essay was one of those "what I did during the summer" pieces and
the boy had been to Egypt to see the Sphynx - or so the teacher thought.

In his essay he wrote:

"This summer I went to Egypt and eyed the sphincter!"

* USA:

It was the first day for a student teacher and he saw a child stalking around the room making crazy noises. The child was holding one hand
funny and he asked her what she was doing. She let out an exasperated huff and said:

"TIME out! you don't ask a raptor to talk!"

* USA:

Day one, week one...Irish teacher goes to teach in America.
Approached by small child (10ish years old so we are not talking elementary sweethearts here!). Child tugs on teacher's shirt and asks very clearly:

"Ma'am, are you a Leprechaun"?

She really did think that the child was trying to be funny or insulting but then considered the innocent look in his eyes and the fact that he probably had never met a real Irish person in his life, let alone one of her "petite" stature.
Told student that she was not and he looked real disappointed. As it turns out, she later found out that he actually thought Leprechauns were the race of people who actually occupied the whole of Ireland!

* Japan:

During self introduction examinations which only takes 2 minutes:

"I am seiji kobayashi
I am 9 yrs old
I like baseball
I AM spaghetti!"

Both the teacher & Japanese co-examiner managed to keep a straight face until the pupil left the room!

* Japan:

A Japanese student wrote a letter in both Japanese and English to
Stevie Wonder and one sentence read:

"Stevie wa taihen desu ne" and written under it in English was:

"I think Stevie is hard!"

* Cayman Islands:

A Year 8 science class had read in their textbook that scientists in
Sweden were combating acid rain by treating lakes with lime.

So, imagine the teacher's surprise when one of them wrote:

"Acid rain can be neutralised by adding lemons to the lake water!"

* Mexico:

A Scottish teacher took a PE please take in one of his first lessons in a school after moving over to Mexico. He was teaching football to S2 girls.

One of the girls was running with the ball and shouted "She fouled me!"
at the other girl. The teacher said he didn't see a foul.

She then said: "Next time I'll go down. I have to practise my going down
skills sir!!"

One for her English teacher to explain?


In a private high school for boys, the religious teacher found this answer while correcting grade 12 exams.
The question was:

- Why did the the Three Wise Men bring gold to the birth of Jesus?

The 17-year old's answer was:

- To pay for the hotel!

* United States:

After a teacher had finished reading aloud a chapter from the novel, Rascal, she asked her fifth graders to illustrate a favorite scene from the book.
One child, exasperated, raised his hand and asked, "Can't we just draw
a picture?"

* United States:

A fifth grade class were playing a game of Outburst one afternoon. In this game, teams try to name as many items which belong in a certain category. The category was Scary Things. The kids named many typically scary things, from monsters, horror movies, the dentist, the dark, to scary movies. Since they needed to reach a total of ten items for maximum points, they were all quiet for a few moments when
one boy had a great one.

He exclaimed, "Ooh, what about that scary place called the ... uhm, the ..., UTERUS! You know, that scary place babies come from."

Well, there was silence for a few moments as the teacher tried to determine if anyone else even knew what he was talking about.
Finally, she couldn't help it, but burst out laughing. This young man had
recently gained a baby sister and his doctor-dad and nurse-mother had
obviously been quite explicit in their explanations!

* Vovodina,Serbia&Montenegro:

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the
teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember
to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride,and said,

"Winnie the SHIT"!

* United States:

I teach various high school math subjects. This particular morning, I
had my Geometry class discussing ways to prove triangles congruent.
There was a student on the front row who was struggling with the topic.
He decided that he had had enough geometry for the day and put his
head down on the desk. I asked him to sit up and pay attention.

He lifts his head and proceeds to lash out about how stupid math is,
how math is boring is, how he will never use this after high school,
etc. Then he looks at me and says, "No one will ever use this stuff.
Do you use math in your job?"

There was a second of silence, then a student in the back called out,
"He's a math teacher, you idiot!" After the laughter died down, we
managed to get back to the triangles, but the young man in the front
didn't say much the rest of the class.

* Australia:

Teaching S4 group. Quick quiz to fill in time.

Me: How do you tell the age of a tree?

Kids: Blank looks.

Me: Ok, what do you count on a tree to tell its age, say that tree over
there in the park.

Pupil: (Enthusiastic and sure he's got the right answer.)
The coconuts!

Brilliant! He gets out for lunch first for a week!

* Australia:

Teaching Int 1 English we were playing the "Weakest Link" on a Friday last period.
The first ever 'Battle of the Moon Men!'
First to answer a question right is the winner!

Me: 'How many sides of equal length does an equilateral triangle have?"

Answer: 'Six!'

* Switzerland:

The traffic warden is somebody's former pupil:

A Swiss family were on holiday last year in Glasgow. The police showed them where to park for free.
One day, (the car was left there for a week,) a warden started to place a ticket on the car.
'Zut alors,' said the dad. 'We have permission from the Strathclyde Police to park here.'
Who?, an whit wus is name?.
The son answered in English, with a heavy French accent: " I do not know."

'Ah,' said the warden, 'You're frae Ireland..I can tell by tha accent, it's ok.'
and so as Irish visitors they were allowed to park for free.

* Poland - from a TEFL teacher:

One day while teaching in China I asked my class of Chinese learners of English to write about China. (cultural note: China, because of it's shape, is known as the Rooster).

Me: Can you read out your first sentence, Wang?

Wang: China is like a big red cock!



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