All Scottish Teachers

Pupil funnies/Exam Howlers

*** A school had recently seen an intake of children whose families
were asylum seekers.
One day a third year pupil arrived late to class after lunch in a dishevelled
state. When asked what had happened he said he'd been in a fight.
Having established roughly what happened the teacher accompanied the pupil to the language unit where the alleged assailant was having English
tuition. Being relatively new the other pupil required a translator and after
much discussion the teacher told the increasingly indignant Scottish boy that the other lad had no idea what he was talking about.

"Besides" said the teacher, "he couldn't have had an argument with you as you suggest because he doesn't speak much English."

To which the retort came:
"Aye he does...he telt me tae f**k Aff!"



*** In the early 1970s at an East End Glasgow secondary school there was a music teacher who had a really bad stutter - this caused him no end of hassle with certain pupils.
One day he left the room so someone put a drawing pin on his seat. On his return he was with a Deputy Headmaster. There was a deafening silence as he (the Deputy Head) lowered himself on to the seat. NOTHING!
When he left all eyes turned as he walked up to the door and there it was - the drawing pin stuck to his thick sheepskin coat!!



*** History Exam answers:

- The First World War started cos somebody shot the Archduck!

- There was a population explosion in the 1840s cos they had nae TV!



*** S1 maths class - troublesome/tiresome pupil refusing to sit quietly and allow learning/teaching to take place.

Teacher: "settle down or you'll get an exercise"

Pupil no.2 : "how many paragraphs will he get sur?"

Teacher: "a couple"

Tiresome pupil: "Am no daen a couple, ah'll only dae wan or two!!!"



*** Jimmy is a pupil in the maths class affectionately called 4Z (in actual
fact, the last class is 4F... you get the picture?).

Jimmy is one of the many who are officially cuckoo in the class (i.e. the school psychologist has long been and gone).

One particularly crazy afternoon the teacher was trying her best to keep him under some sort of reasonable control when she sees him looking intently at a poster on the wall.
Eager to engage him in some sort of mathematical conversation she asks him:
"Do you want to know how to solve that puzzle?"
The poster in question displays the riddle:"As I went to St. Ives, I saw a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks and in each sack were seven cats. Each cat had seven kittens. Wives, sacks, cats, kittens - how many were on their way to St. Ives?"
The teacher began to unpick the puzzle and spend aaaages drawing ridiculous pictures and diagrams in an attempt to explain the solution to Jimmy.
Ten minutes later she finishes, exhausted by her grand effort.

So she asks him: "do you get it now?"

Big mistake. He thinks for a moment and then answers:

"I prefer dugs, miss."



*** Back in the 80s an S1 French pupil came out with this cracker;

"Miss, how come I cannae understawn you when you speak french, but when I'm watching 'Allo 'Allo I know exactly whit they're saying!"


** A teacher was discussing a French Reading Prelim with an S4 class and they came to a question about recycling. This lead to a discussion about the colour of the various bins the pupils have at home - all quite normal until one pupil said:

"It's great. If you're fighting and you need a bottle, you know which bin to go to! And if you want to start a fire, you know that the light blue bins always have paper in them!"


** As submitted by a Glasgow teacher:

"During my third year in the profession, I had the pleasure of teaching a
lovely Advanced Higher maths class. It was made up of a group of very
bright, innovative and funny pupils with whom I got on extremely well.
During the summer holiday, all the maths classrooms in the school had
been completely gutted and modernised - except mine! The janitors felt
very sorry for me and decided to try to find me new furniture for my
decrepit room. I ended up doing rather well and accumulated, amongst
other things, a fantastic computer chair on wheels. One day, as I sat
typing at the computer, three of my Advanced Higher boys jumped out of
their seats.
Before I knew what was happening, one of them had opened
the classroom door while another swung my seat around and started
pushing it (with me still sitting stunned on it) out into the corridor.
They pushed me right along the top floor corridor (gaining speed as
they went), passed the Depute Head Teacher's office until they reached
the sixth year common room at the end. The third boy arrived first and
opened the door, allowing the other two to propel the chair - with me
still on it, clutching frantically to the sides - into their common
room.
There they left me, spinning wildly in the middle of the room
(much to the astonishment and amusement of the rest of their year group
who were in there at the time) and ran back to my classroom.
Once I had managed to regain control of both myself and the chair I stood up sheepishly and - being unable to think of a single appropriate thing to
say - left in silence, pushing the chair back along the corridor (passed
the Depute Head Teacher's office) to my classroom."




** Travelling to London for a football tournament and one of the pupils
puts his watch an hour forward because he thought England was in a
different time zone!


**A double period of Higher. Half way through the double the teacher tells the kids they can have a 5 min break and they can watch the World Cup
game on the net if they want.

A minute later one pupil says: "Sir, I can't get it up".

Cue lots of laughter from the rest of the class.


**Two pupils discussing last year's prelim results:-
Pupil 1: "There were only four of us in the class and 1/4 of the
class got a D."
Pupil 2: "Were you one of them?"


**A pupil asked where her teacher lived. She replied Milngavie(suburb of Glasgow, pronounced Mulguy).

The pupil said: "Is that not an island?"


** During a lesson about the health and safety implications of
multimedia the teacher was talking about flashing images causing epileptic fits.
He said to the class that that was why you sometimes see the
warning on TV "The following program contains flashing images".
One pupil put his hand up and said:

"So that's what that means! I thought it meant that there was going to be nudity!"



** A priest in a Glasgow school was trying to involve the only wee guy who had not answered a question. He asked the wee guy (who unbeknowing to him has a hair lip!!):

" how many persons are there in the one god?"

The answer comes back: "the hagher the hun and the holy ghost."

After hearing this for the third time he says to the boy: "I don't understand son."

To which came the reply: " yer no hupposed tae, its a huckin mystery!!"



** A group of 14 second year pupils (boys and girls) were out of school on
a confidence building programme. One of them was talking to the member
of staff in charge about age, and what age she looked.

She said: "People always say I look dead old. I hate it. I hate it that much that last night I put on some of my mum's anti-ageing cream so that I would look the same age as everyone else!"

Now imagine trying to explain what anti-ageing cream does while doing
your best not to laugh.



** One pupil to a classmate (a bit overweight):

" Oih, ah know a good joab fur you - you could hire yersel oot fur the weekend to be a bouncy castle!"



** S2 female pupil to teacher on March 1st:

" Miss, whit's aw this aboot the day being Hash Wednesday?"



** A third year pupil was sitting making squeaky noises whilst shaking her
leg. When she was asked to stop, her reply was, "I can't. My doctor says I
pure do it when am under pressure".

To this another pupil asked , "Miss, what does it mean when you're under pressure - does it mean you're getting pure squashed?"



** After recapping part of The Sorceror's Apprentice with an S1 class (the
bit where the broom gets chopped up with an axe) a pupil pointed out an
error in my account of the story:

"It wisnae an axe sur, it wis a halberd"

"What's the difference then?"

"It's long an it's goat a spike oan the end"

"How do you know so much about medieval weapons?"

"Ma big brother's goat wan sur, he hinks he's a viking!"




** Academically challenged S1 French class learning about birthdays and
dates in general.

Teacher asks: "So why do you think we're only concentrating on numbers up to 31 just now?"

Little Chevonne, full of enthusiasm, puts her hand up and proudly announces: "Because there's only 31 letters in the alphabet Miss!"



** Pupil - "Sur, do you stay in a "boat" hoose?"

Teacher - " no, I stay in an ordinary house. Why do you think I stay on the river?"

Pupil - "naw, a hoose that you "boat" instead of wan you rent frae the coonsil!"


** Pupil - "Sur, do you have coonsil telly?"

Teacher - "what?"

Pupil - "you know, the BBC wan, Channel 4 an that, insteed o' Sky!"




* A school football team were playing a match after school. Near the pitch were some electricity pylons, with those red lights on the top so that planes don't hit them.

Near the end of the match the moon came up, and it was orange. The teacher turned to a boy and said, "Look at the moon, it's orange".

The kid looks over, then looks around and says: "Aye, but see if you look about. There's a couple of moons"!



* Same pupil who refused to accept that paper comes from trees-

A computing class have the task of copying a paragraph into a word processor:

Pupil: "Sir a canny find this wee mad hing"
Teacher: "What 'wee mad hing' "
Pupil: "I dunno wot it's called, it looks like a wee tadpole thingy"
Teacher: "A tadpole? Let me see."
Pupil points to a comma.
Teacher: "That's a comma"
Pupil: "Oh. Where is it on the keyboard?"



** "Miss, I can't do my work today coz I got hit in the finger wae a
Softmint at interval. It was a green one."


1. A pupil printed out some work and it was wrong. Teacher asked him to put it in the recycling. She looked at the teacher quizzically and asked:

"How do you recycle paper? Do you just get loads of Tippex?"

The teacher tried to explain how paper was made in the first place but she refused to believe that paper is made from trees.

Never did find out where she thought paper came from.


2. "Sir, how do you stop a hurricane anyway? Can't you just dig a big hole
in the sea and put it in it?"


3. Week 5 of an S3 Economics course and the class are discussing various economic issues.
It was all too much for one girl who put up her hand and asked:

"Please miss, when are we going to start cooking?"


4.This is an email sent to a teacher by mistake. OMG means "oh my god"

"OMG SARA U NEED TAE GET A GRIP WIT ARE U GOIN ABOLT SAYIN AV BEEN RIDED MORE TIMES THAT A BIKE WEN U KNOW A HAVENT X WIT ARE U TELLIN EVERYONE AM PREGNANT WEN AM NO X WIT THE FU**S UR DA TALKIN ABOULT ME FUR X UR TELLIN EVERYONE THAT U SLAPPED ME X YUR DA X U WERE SCREAMIN AT MA DA AND SWRING AT HIM WEN U WIRNY AND A NEVER SED JIMMY WIS A JUNKIE SO WIT U TALKIN ABOULT YA B*TCH X ALL THE YUNG TEAM ARE AFTER U X WIT UDOIN SAING UR GONNA GET THE YUNG TEAM TAE ME WHEN HALF OF THEM DONT EVEN KNOW YA X THE ONES THAT DO HINK UR A RITE SLAPPER"


5. A teacher discussed the kinetic theory and how it explained the drying out by evaporation of puddles and clothes after washing being hung out to
dry.

One pupil was unconvinced and kept arguing that, 'that canny be
right!'

Eventually the teacher asked the child, 'So, what's your explanation for puddles disappearing by the afternoon?'

'Easy' she replied, 'dogs drink them!'


6. English writing assessment - "some drug addicts and alcoholics steal things so that they can sell them to get money to feed their hobbits!"


7. Level C Maths question:

"You arrive at a bus stop at 5 to 3 and the bus comes at 3.20. How long have you been waiting?"

Pupil answer - " Ages!"


8. An S3 pupil had got into the habit of turning up late for "reggie" and always had some kind of excuse. However the latest had to be heard to be believed:
"The bus was dead slow this morning - the driver couldnae go fast as he wus just learning!"

9. During a recent conversation about the use of certain rooms in a new school, a girl referred to one as the "nae claes" room (no clothes!).

The teacher asked why she had said this, to which the girl replied:

"That's where you go fur detention when you come tae school in joggies insteed o' uniform!"


10. PE Exam question asks for a skill then, two ways in which the skill
can be made more difficult.

Pupil answers with:

(i) Two handed handstand as the skill ( so far ok)

(ii) It could then be made more difficult if one hand only was used
(again maybe ok, but can you see where it's going?)

(iii) It could then be made more difficult by taking both hands away!


11. Higher Geography exam - an urban geography question

"explain the growth and development of a city you have studied"

attracted the following answer:

"There are a lot of whore houses in Newcastle's inner city area.......!!"

(meant to be warehouses!)


12. One day, back in the 70s, a boy went into his French class and placed a lump of rock on his teacher's desk.
When the teacher asked where this rock had come from, the pupil replied:

"It's a present frae my big brother (a former pupil). He was in Greece wae the army & he chipped a bit aff the Parthenon fur ye!"


13. These immortal words were heard during a typical heated class discussion:

" Aye and you've goat a face like a second hand dartboard!"


14. In a recent written Home Economics test on cookery, the pupils were
asked to write down the names of three typical Scottish dishes.

One pupil carefully wrote : " a plate, a cup and a saucer" !!

15. After an unexplained absence of several weeks a boy returns to school. He is interviewed by a member of staff:

Teacher: "Can you explain why you were off school for so long."

Pupil after much thought,"Well I was at the dentist."


16. A registration teacher asked a lad why he had been absent the previous day. His reply was as follows: " I couldnae come to school as Celtic won the league, there was a lock-in at the pub tae celebrate & everybody was too p**sed to get up yesterday to get me ready!

17. PE exam answer:

Question: Name an individual non-competitive activity.

Answer: Yoda (small Star Wars character with pointy ears)

18. A young teacher heard some of the boys in a class referring to another as "Scalextric". When he asked why, the reply was " He's got skid marks on his Y-fronts!"

19. About 2 years ago after a move to a new school in the Glasgow, teachers noticed that things had gone missing in the flit!

Recently a teacher was working on his PC at the back of the class whilst
his first year class were working away.

The angelic child nearest him pointed out that he had a computer like
his, so the teacher enquired if he liked working on it.

He retorted that his faither bought it but it didnae wurk. On
enquiring why not, he informed the teacher that when it was turned on a message came up saying:

"please insert school disk" - with the name of their school on screen!!

Worse still, he asked the teacher if he had a disk he could borrow!

Now the staff know where things disappeared to in the flit!

20. In an S2 science class, the pupils were being taught about the different planets of the solar system. They were told about the size of various planets and their distance from the sun. A boy at the back of the class raised his hand and asked: "Miss, how big's Uranus?"

21. A pupil told his registration teacher that he would not be in on Friday because he was going to his sister’s wedding. When he returned the following Monday the teacher asked him how it had gone. He also remembered that the boy’s father was dead and asked him if he had given the bride away. The latter replied, “I could have, but I kept my mouth shut.”

22. An S4 pupil volunteered to serve in a school tuck shop. She was not all that good at counting & giving change, so she decided that everything in the tuck shop would cost £1. The kids paid up!

23. A teacher was giving exra-curricular golf tuition to some kids. Someone asked about his social plans for that evening - he said he was going out with some friends from work. "Where do you work sir?" was asked in all innocence.

24.Two S1 pupils were on their way to the Burrell Collection
- Are you looking forward to this?
-Yes, only problem is that I don't even know what a burrell looks like!

25. At lunchtime a teacher sent a pupil to the shops to get 20 Silk Cut. Her parting instruction was, “if you can’t get Silk Cut, get anything.” So the pupil came back with a cold pie.

26. Answering a question in a history exam about the architecture of medieval castles, a pupil wrote, “because there were no widows in the castle, the archers had to use slits in the wall.”

27. A teacher was having a particularly exasperating interview with a pupil. Trying to end it on a lighter note she said, “Have a nice day,” as the girl left the room. The latter snapped back, “Ah’m no daein’ it just ‘cause you say so!”

28. A modern languages teacher was explaining to class that whilst there could be a double negative that was an affirmative, there was not a double affirmative that could be a negative. To which a weary response from the back was, “Aye right.”

29. A German exchange teacher was having his first encounter with an S3 beginner's class. Their German dried up after 2 or 3 questions, so their teacher said they could ask in English about the German way of life.

"whitkinaclazediyiswerr?" left the German chap somewhat bemused.

"Please speak slowly & clearly" their teacher begged. The pupil thought for a moment, then asked: "WHIT KINA CLAZE DI YIS WERR?"

30. In the French class a pupil asked "Miss, what does the French word "SENSIBLE" mean?"
Look up your dictionary said the teacher.
I have, and it says sensitive-what does that mean?
While she was thinking of how best to explain this, another pupil pipes up:
"If someone hits ye on the heid wi a brick an ye greet, then yur sensitive. If ye don't greet then yur no sensitive!

31. An S4 pupil didn't want to take part in a javelin lesson - " I don't want to javel cos I'm no use at it "

32. After losing out on a heading challenge at football, a pupil complained that he'd been fouled - " Sur, he kneed me with his elbow"

33. After looking up a French word in the dictionary, a pupil asks "Miss, what does "INTERCHANGEABLE" mean. As the teacher paused for thought, a fellow pupil shouted "see your soaks - they're interchangeable, see your shoes - they're no!"

34. After being lectured in our S3 Franch class about having it too good while there are strarving children all over the world, a shout came from the back of the class " well sur, if yer that worried aboot it how de ye no sell yer motor or sumit!?"

35. Question in a PE exam -
Why do we cool down after exercise?
A - To prevent the build up of Galactic Acid

36. 2 months before his Standard Grade French exam a boy asked: " Hey miss, see the French, dae they say things different frae us?"

37. While doing probability with an S5 Int1 class recently some pupils were discussing the probablilty of rain that day.

One pupil reasoned that the chance of rain was very likely, despite the absence (unusually) of any clouds.

When challenged by a fellow pupil about the lack of clouds and her answer she explained: "I didn't know that rain came from clouds."

We did not find out where the pupil thought that rain came from though!


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