All Scottish Teachers

Pupil howlers

** Found carved into a desk in the exam hall:

"Life is f**k all like a box of chocolates!"

** Unknown to a teacher one of her pupils had been reported to the Deputy Head for writing grafitti on a wall in her room. She therefore received the following apology from the pupil:

"I would like to apologise for the grafitti in your room especially as I had signed it!"

* An S3 boy was boasting of his fighting prowess, to which another lad
" You cannae fight!...Yae'd get a better fight fae a deid coo!"

* A supply teacher was working with a very difficult P6 class and was
told to watch for time wasters asking out to the bathroom.

One young lag swaggered up to her and asked to go to the toilet. She said
not at that moment and asked him to sit down.

He then said he was "burstin". This evoked a laugh from classmates.
Again he was asked to sit down. He then said he was thirsty.
The teacher said he could have a drinkfrom the tap in the class and provided him with a clean paper cup.

He was determined to get the better of her and was full of bravado. Alas his final shot didn't get the result he was after:

"But Miss, I don't like the tap water. I like drinking the water in the boys' lavvies!"

* With particularly difficult Foundation class, in the middle of a lesson, a teacher asked one pupil, known to be incapable of following instructions, to write something down.

Her response was one you could have put money on - 'Ah cannae write!'

The response from a smart alec across the class was a classic -

"How are ye gonnae sign fir yur giro cheque if ye cannae write?"

* For a few weeks, a teacher was given the task of teaching a group of particularly trying/challenging S4 pupils, who had all manner of behaviour and learning disorders, as well as severe attendance issues.

A few weeks in, one girl he hadn't met yet appeared in the class with
inch-thick make up, hair viciously scraped back and her mate's name on a
brassy necklace around her neck.

He gave her the work that the class were doing as she sat down beside
said mate, and she turned to him and stared.
She looked him up and down a few times, lip curled in disgust and said
(somewhat disbelievingly):

"'Whit eh you luckin' et? Ah didnae come tae Maths tae dae work!"

Of course...his mistake!

* A Lanarkshire worthy when asked in a science test what the Magdeburg Hemispheres were wrote:

"Magdeburg was a German scientist with balls seven feet in diameter
and when he attached two teams of horses to them, he couldn't pull them


* An S3 drama class were doing a end of year test. One of the questions was a list of names/terms that the pupils had to describe in their own words. One of the words was "Gobo".

To which one of the pupils wrote: "A character from Lord Of The Rings who is a skitzo."

She still does not know what it is.

* Spelling mistakes... 1st years:

Dracula opened his cloak and reviled himself...
Magellan circumcised the world with a 30 foot clipper...
The chancellor controls the money in the country. His name is Niggly Laysome. (Nigel Lawson)

* funny answers from the Physics prelims.

One question was to do with solar panels and you were to advise how you could get more energy. One answer would be to use larger solar panels etc, but one person wrote that you were to "increase the power of the sun".

Another one - you had to name the component in a circuit. One pupil answered that it was an anticipator!

* A science teacher asked a class why a racing motorcyclist would lie over the petrol tank. "To keep the petrol warm" came the serious reply!

* During reading a novel with a lively third year, the pupils came across
the word 'pathos'. Not having the faintest idea what the word meant,
one pupil was asked to look up the word in the dictionary. Whilst the
search for the word was going on, one not too bright pupil asks in all
seriousness "Haw, Miss, iz 'at no him thit hung aboot wi Athos an'



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