All Scottish Teachers

Pupil funnies

** A Biology teacher set a homework assignment on sea creatures.

The pupils researched it fully and handed over their completed work the following week.

A few days later the teacher was handing out the corrected homework and as he reached one pupil's desk he was grinning.

As he handed over the jotter he leaned down and
whispered: "I've made the necessary corrections, but good work!"

As he walked away the pupil opened it up and saw that she had written:

"an octopus has eight testicles".... HE had written "lucky octopus!"

** A teacher was doing a storywriting lesson with a class of primary 4s. They had to imagine that they had shrunk in size and their task was to write an adventure story.
One particular child's story was about an adventure in her back
She wrote "The giants were having a BBQ" then shortly after she added:

"The Buggers were massive". Think she meant "burgers"!!!!

** A class of primary 3s listened to a story and then had a
follow-up discussion afterwards. The children had been sitting still for quite
a long time. After the discussion was over and the teacher was telling the
children their task, one of the boys came to the teacher and said:

"Miss, my hand's jist dyin for a pencil!"

** On being asked what a carpenter did, one of the class answered:

"Someone that lays carpets!"

** Starstruck!

A teacher had taken a busload of SG Drama pupils through to the Traverse to see "Cuttin' a Rug" and in the front row of the audience sat the River City actor Libby McArthur, an old friend.

The kids were besides themselves "Sur! Sur!, there's Gina affae Rivur

He asked Libby if she'd mind speaking to them during the interval and
sure enough she gave them all autographed photographs.

The next day in class this was all they could talk about, apart from
the malcontents who either hadn't wanted to, or had been refused
permission to, go on the trip.

This excitement got the better of one of these pupils who, having
worked out how long they'd been away the previous evening, came out with:

"That's garbage, so it is. Eh wis watchin' telly last night an' she wis
oan it when youse wur in Embra!"

Cue short lecture on recorded T.V. programmes!

* An art teacher in Aberdeenshire and was demonstrating the moulding of clay bowls using plaster moulds. Realising that she had run out of the separating medium to prevent the clay sticking to the mould, she asked Jimmy to go to the Science Dept to borrow something.

Later that day she was approached by her colleague from the Science
Dept who asked if she was feeling better, as Jimmy had come into his
class and announced, (and this is where you need to adopt an Aberdeen

"Could Miss Jones have some Vaseline ,as she is having big problems
with her bowels !!".

* A pupil informed his teacher that his parents were going to the cinema to see a film that night. "A film about monkeys but I can't remember the name."

Later he said, "I've remembered - it's called 'Apes in the Rain'." Of
course, he meant 'Gorillas in the Mist'!

* From a Geography class-

Describe the position of the settlements in the area-
They are all at the bottom of the Firth of Clyde.

Transhumance is when the farmer's cows are taken up to the summer
pasture along with the farmer's son and they are left to graze all

North Wales? that's in England isn't it?

If the town keeps losing people at this rate it will soon be a real
live ghost town.

One of the most recent improvements in finance is 24 hour Internet

* An S4 class had been studying what had happened as a result of the
Chernobyl disaster:

Q What happened at Chernobyl?
A A nuclear rector blew up!

Report on Chernobyl - In Chernobyl they got their first coloured
televisions and then after a while they blew up. It was quite good for
them to get new televisions but they should have taken more care of
them. It was a shame for the people for 20 miles around that had to be

After Chernobyl the radioactive material in the air was detected by
Western Intelligence aircraft. If they hadn't noticed it the cows at
Winscale would have.

* A group of pupils were working hard on a huge frieze for the school production of 'Joseph'. The teacher had drawn a rough outline of the three pyramids, the sphinx, a few palm trees and an oasis and the kids were asked to paint them.
After a while one of the boys came out and said to the teacher-

"right miss- we've filled in the three tents- Whit colour dae ye want us t'dae the wee dug noo? "

* An S4 girl went on a work placement to an old folks home - something she had expressed an interest in. However, after her first day she complained " I hate it, old folk are dead rude, they don't talk to you. I was on my own with one in a room for ages, she just completely ignored me!"

Enquiries revealed that she had been sent to the stroke ward!

* Johnny was probably only taking Higher Art to avoid some mundane subject like Nuclear Physics but - hey - he meant well and he didn't cause any bother. In the prelim he had been asked to write about the work of John Constable and predictably chose to expound on "The Haywain" - probably the only Constable painting he could recall. Johnny informed us that the painting was a comment on the state of the roads in the eighteenth century - "The horse and cart are stuck in the middle of a huge dub."(puddle)



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