All Scottish Teachers

Crazy absence notes/Parent howlers

** As a teacher was leaving school after a long day and a particularly exhausting Parents' Evening, she was joined by a parent on the way to the car park.
" dae you know whit these evenings are like?" said the mother.
"No, what do you mean?" asked the teacher, steeling herself for the reply.

"It's like speed-dating!" replied the mother, and headed off into the night.

** Phone call:

"Senga will no be in the day, she was so busy looking in the mirror she drapped it oan her toe. Hopefully in oan Monday!"

** Note to PE teacher: "Please excuse Jim from jim as his sannys are done!"

** "Please excuse Jimmy for bieng off as he had broke his bum bone!"

** A Head Teacher was only at this school for a few years while on a secondment, but bloody hell it was an experience!

Primary 7 were doing, what he supposed, was an American themed show and tell day.

Anyway,they were told to bring in a small object that they liked and
they could tell the class about. One boy brought his dog in, and, so
sweetly, took it on the bus with him to school. Aww!!

However, he was told to tie it up outside til after school.
He was told he could get the dog at the end of the day, if his Mum
would come in.

The HT chatted to him and it emerged he had been told to "get that f****n
dug oot this hoose it's shitin everywhere." A less than pleasant
family by all accounts!

The HT got a hold of his aunt, who couldn't get to the school, but the HT
kindly offered to drive the "dug and boay tae ees auntie's."

On the way home, the HT picked up his son and he got in the back, as there were some things on the front seat. Dad suddenly
became aware of the problem, when his son put his hand down into some dog shit!

Funnily enough, the young lad never apologised.

** A parent phoned the school with the following message:

" I sent Jimmy tae school today, but he came back to the hoose and smashed the front door down! So he'll no be in the day!"

** A child had fallen in the playground during lunchtime and badly injured
her knee and bumped her head. A teacher consoled the child, tried to
ease the pain and phoned a parent to come and take the child home.

When she telephoned the parent, unfortunately there was no one home and the answering machine kicked in. The message was:

"Ur we in or ur wee oot. Hing aboot and ye'll fun oot!"

Guess they weren't home then.......

** S2 Parents' Night to discuss progress & option choices:

" Ah think she should take Computin' as it wid be mair useful tae her. She wants to take RE - whit use is RE tae anyone? Ah suppose it wid be OK if ye wanted to become a Nun!!"

** Please excuse Jimmy from PE today as the rabbit ate his plimsoles!

** Tyrone cannot do PE because he has a sore lug!

** Prior to a visit to an outdoor centre a boy produced a note asking for
more information "about the trip to Helsburger!"

** The following phone call was received the morning after a particularly successful Christmas concert soiree:

"Ma lassie'll no be in the day, she's goat a sair throat efter aw that singin'!"

** An Attendance Officer & accompanying AHT were persuaded to step into the hall/lobby of a flat they were visiting. As they chatted to the mum in the hall, the toilet door opened & out stepped dad wearing only y-fronts & a vest!
"Phew", he said, " ah wouldnae go in there for a while!"


** Somewhere in darkest Glasgow, an Attendance Officer accompanied by a Depute Head (safety in numbers) went into a block of flats to speak to a family about the daughter's poor attendance.
As they climbed the stairs they spotted a large Rottweiler patrolling the landing outside the flat they were going to visit!
Undaunted by this slabbering beast, they rang the bell. The door was opened & in rushed the dog. They were greeted by the mother & taken into the sparsely furnished living room.
The conversation wasn't going too well & to make matters worse, the DHT saw the dog cock its leg & pee up against a wall in the room. Nobody said anything & he decided to keep quiet.
The conversation became more heated & then he saw the dog do a sh*t in the corner! Again nobody mentioned it.
Eventually the Attendance Officer decided to call a halt to the meeting as the family were becomingly increasingly hostile towards their callers.
The AO & DHT were shown out and started to walk downstairs, both glad to have escaped.
Then suddenly the flat door was thrown open & the father shouted after them:

" An' youse can take yer f**king dog wae yeh!!"

** In the 70s an Attendance Officer & a trainee were going to visit a family in a tenement flat.
Before they got to the door, the AO told the trainee to say nothing no matter what!
When they left, he asked the trainee if he had noticed anything in the flat.

"Yes, why are there holes in the skirting boards in the hall & living room?"

"Oh, that's for the wee boy's train set, so that it can run from room to room!", came the reply.

** During an interview with an AHT re her son's disruptive behaviour, a mother became increasingly angry & belligerent as the AHT read out his crime sheet & explained what was going to happen etc.

Eventually he decided to give up because of her attitude and said that he was going to "terminate" the interview.

Her response? "Oh, so yer the f**king Terminator now , are yeh?"

At that she stormed out, leaving the 5ft 6ins AHT stunned to say the least.

** During a Parents' night a mother is complaining about her son's swearing. She is becoming angrier and angrier as she relates her complaint to the teacher, ending with:

"'I don't where the little bugger is getting it from!"

** Parent writing to teacher -
"My Jimmy came home last week with a big hole in his trousers.
Would you please look into it?"

** During a Parents' evening a teacher was talking about one of his pupils, Siobhan, to her parents.
Eventually the mother said:
"Chevonne? Her name's no Chevonne, it's Seeoban!" (Phonetically)

** In the course of an enrolment interview in a Glasgow school, the Head Teacher was told that the boy had several behavioural issues.

However these were being addressed because "he was seeing a gynaecologist”!

** An older woman turned up at the office of one of the new Glasgow Secondaries. She produced 2 packets of tobacco & asked one of the staff to give them "to her boy". When told that this wasn't possible, she insisted. The staff asked what class the boy was in - to which came the reply "I only know that he's in B Hall!"

The caring mother had confused the school with a well-known establishment next door!

** Please excuse N for being absent as he had diahorrea through a hole in his shoe.

** Please excuse J for being absent as he had a stomach.

** A Deputy Head was forced to speak to a parent about their child's BO problem. The parent was most upset & replied: " he's here tae be telt, no tae be smelt! He's no a f***in geranium"

** A Guidance teacher phoned a parent's mobile to ask why his son wasn't at school. He replied " Jimmy's no at school cos he's here wi me - we're in a bar in Seville waiting fur the final!"

** Please excuse W for being absent as she had diahorrea and fell off her pony!

** An Attendance Officer was told: "J. was kept off school yesterday as he was upset at having been caught truanting!"

** Please excuse X from taking part in her P.E. lesson today as she has
come down with a very severe case of woman-hood

** Please excuse S for being off school as he had bazookas on his feet.

** Please excuse M for being off as he had trouble with his privet parts.

** Please excuse X for being late as he was at the bus stop, needed the toilet, so he ran home & missed it.

** Please excuse J for being absent as he had two farts and a splash. (written by older sibling)

** Please excuse S for being absent as he had diho/diahor/dahire - the runs!!

** Please excuse Y from PE as her face is f***ed up!



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